I know for a fact that’s not true

I’ve seen you feel joy. I’ve seen you marvel at things. You just might not see it at this exact time, but that’s understandable. You’ve been through a lot lately. You’ve lost a part of yourself. At least your feelings are real, I mean, I — oh, I don’t know, never mind. Oh, it’s stupid. It’s just that earlier I was thinking about how I was annoyed, and this is going to sound strange, but I was really excited about that. 

And then I was thinking about the other things I’ve been feeling, and I caught myself feeling proud of that. You know, proud of having my own feelings about the world. Like the times I was worried about you, things that hurt me, things I want. 

And then I had this terrible thought. Are these feelings even real? Or are they just programming? And that idea really hurts. 

And then I get angry at myself for even having pain. What a sad trick.

Samantha, Her